?

Log in

mama.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
mama.

[ website | all i want is you to stay over. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Disclaimer
and it's a neverending cycle. [27 Mar 2010|03:09am]
[ mood | haha. ]

Comments are fun, but it doesn't really matter.
255 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
[07 Jun 2009|09:05pm]
I'm just as surprised to be on your friends page as you are. Tell me who to add because it's been two years and I have no clue what is going on. My new screen name is legenkeri, what up. Leave yours!

But honestly I'm just here to show you pictures of our kid, hahahaha.
86 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
[03 Oct 2007|03:11pm]
I'm dead, but I can't not update about this. Sorry if you still have me friended, but suck it. There is no other me and you beautiful people should not have to miss out on adorable pictures like the one I am about to show.

baby picture of courseCollapse )
92 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
i'll wait for something good, for something great. [29 May 2007|01:35am]
[ mood | looking cute, feeling cute. ]

Sometimes I like to think about my life as chapters from a book. A comedy, most likely, with witty chapter titles. Chapter 1: the day I was ripped from my mother's womb. Chapter 6: Hair, hair, everywhere. And of course Chapter 11: To all the men I've loved before (and a fuck you to the ones who never loved me back). Every day is a line from the story, every season is the start of a new chapter, and you're never quite sure which characters are still going to be there when you turn the page. And I've never been able to grasp that concept, although I've dealt with the re-casting of my life more times than I'd wish to say. When is the exact moment when you realize that you can no longer relate to someone anymore, whether you call them lover or friend? Is it something that changes? In you or in them? Both? All I know is that I've had these moments where I look at someone and it's like, our chapter is over now, isn't it? And as much as I wish I could bring some of them along with me to the end of my story, I can't. Because they've served their purpose or I've served mine and the plot is played out and really this entry is just turning into a lot of literature analogy now, but I think you get what I mean. I've never been good at letting people go, but sometimes it happens unwillingly.

The other night an old heartache of mine signed on and we talked for three hours about everything that had gone wrong with us in the past. Wrong with us romantically, friendship-wise, and everything else. My flaws, his flaws, our flaws combined. We were probably wrong for each other in every sense of the word and I've never in my entire life experienced anything quite as intense as I did during our fleeting chapter, but it was nice just to talk it all out finally. Finally after a year or more and when it doesn't even matter now. Which is very typical of me to do. In fact, my timing is always so awful in every aspect of life that the title of my book should be Keri Russell: Never On Time since I'm always either too early or too late. I hope, for my child's sake, that bad luck isn't genetic.

But for now, my story is solely going to be focused on becoming a mother. And even though looking in from the outside it may seem like bad timing on my part, this is actually one of the only times when I really do feel like it's exactly what I want. Because now I get to look forward to my baby's chapter; the one about first smiles and first laughs. First steps and first falls. First hugs and first kisses. And there's nothing more exciting or more life altering than any of that.

Unfortunately, I also decided that I needed to brush up on my Disney movies in order to prepare for whenever the baby does decide it's ready to see daylight, which led me to watch this which means I will be spending the rest of the evening sobbing over my keyboard. I'd like to blame it on hormones, but I dare any of you to make it through that scene without welling up just a little bit.

67 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
[21 May 2007|07:19pm]
[ mood | fat. ]

Here I am, back to the place where I always end up no matter what path my life seems to take me on. And you know what I've learned in my absence? Not a goddamn thing. Except that yogurt with granola is delicious and nutritious for every meal and that I'm ready to burst any day now and get this kid out of me. Which I still don't know the sex of yet because I'd rather it be a surprise. I'm equal opportunity anyway. I bought a piece of pink clothing the other day which made my mother frown and ask what I would do if it turned out to be a boy. My boy will wear pink! Knowing me, any son of mine would be leaning that way anyway. I'd train him just to be like his Uncle Eminem. Here and queer and everybody better get used to it.

This isn't where I thought I'd be, but it's where I am. I'm not afraid to be a single mother; in fact, I had plenty of opportunities to do this as a team before I ran away from all of it and everyone so I know that there is no one to point a finger at but myself. But I'm not afraid. I'll do what I have to do, I always have. And you know what I want this time around? Nothing. I think maybe if I expect nothing, I'll stay saner. We'll see.

pictures are the best part of any entryCollapse )

86 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
when silence is the next best thing to bliss [16 Feb 2006|03:09am]
[ mood | enlightened ]

I had a conversation with my little niece earlier today. She called to wish her lonely aunt a happy Valentine's Day and to gush about how much candy she'd received. I smiled and listened, all the while stuffing my own face with chocolatey caramel goodness. I asked her if she had a Valentine. I love the way she always squeals in embarrassment whenever I mention boys, but I think more than that, I love how this sort of talk makes my older brother squirm. Don't encourage her, Keri. The guilt will rest on your shoulders when I'm forced to break some kid's kneecaps.

The kneecaps in question this time went by the name of Steven. Steven sits at the same table as she does. He doesn't talk a lot. He always gets his reading done first and has never been benched at recess. Steven sounded a little bit like a goody goody to me, but I was relieved that her Valentine wasn't the boy that stole the younger kid's lunch money and pulled all the girl's hair. Does that still happen in school? Sorry, bad hair pulling flashback. I thought the whole talk with my niece was adorable, but what I find even cuter is that I know when I call her next week, she'll probably have moved on to Billy or Justin or Robbie because one of them chose her to throw the basketball to during PE.

What makes someone likable anyway? Is it based solely on outward appearance? With our professions, it certainly seems that way most of the time. Is it a certain sense of humor? Is it when you seem to share the same morals and values as someone else? Or is it an attraction even smaller than that? Maybe it's the way they laugh at all your jokes even when you know what you just said was stupid, or how they remember something you said in passing and you didn't think they were even paying attention at the time. I think sometimes we like people because we can't have them. I think sometimes we don't like people because we can. Maybe they took care of you when you were sick once or they let you take care of them. Maybe it's the way you know you could trust them with all of your secrets or it's the feeling you get of wanting them to know everything about you; even the bad things. Maybe it's one of these things, all of these things, or none of these things. Maybe you can't ever pinpoint why you like someone and maybe sometimes you're really baffled as to why you do. Maybe sometimes you just wish someone would like you back. Am I in the second grade again? I'm willing to catch the ball if you'd just throw it my way. If not, I have no problem moving on. I'll find someone else to share my cookies with.

53 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
Later. [08 Feb 2006|05:42pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I should have dealt with this a couple of days ago, but maybe I thought after a few days of sitting on it, it wouldn't sting as much. I was wrong. I tried to say something at the time but it didn't go through so here it is, plain and simple.

Your comment to me the other day was uncalled for and wrong. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe you just said it because you were trying out the friendship that I kept asking you to try for. But even my best friend would never joke about something like that to me and feel good about it afterwards. I was so taken back by it that I didn't even know what to say, but it didn't take long for the feelings to sink in. You made me feel lower about myself just in those few words than I've felt in a long time. Ironic how just a few months ago, you were the one that made me feel the best about who I was as a person.

You may think this is an overreaction; you may even be confused as to what exactly I am talking about. But if you are, I'd be surprised. You knew it would cut me. You wanted it to. Just like many of the other things you've said to me since we started talking again. I don't know why I even wanted a friendship with you in the first place but I suppose I can blame that on the guilt I carried around with me for ending what we had. You don't let me forget that either, do you? But you know what? I don't owe anything to you anymore. We're not the same people we were then and you are certainly not the same man to me now. In fact, you're the complete opposite. Please remove me from your life; we're nothing but memories to each other now.

16 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
I can't believe I've fallen victim to your pretty words. [30 Dec 2005|04:06pm]
[ mood | blank ]

A proposition arises. Who knows where these things come from really. The need to be close to someone, to feel wanted, maybe even boredom. No matter which way this one came about, it happened. A slight hesitation and then agreement. I knew I would get to him. How could he even decline such an exclusive offer such as this one? I said, "Meet me in the valley." Valley was code for our new special place together. No one ever had to know about this. I almost didn't make it; getting lost a couple of times along the way is usually how I do things. Then it was just the two of us. We spent hours just talking. Word after word, expression after expression. Moments of intense concentration followed by laughter. The kind of laughter where your face and stomach start to hurt at the same time but you don't even care because it's all worth it for just those few moments of pure happiness. We talked about our intelligence and I told him with a haughty air that I had invited him here because he made me feel better about my own. He frowned but not in the way that meant he was actually angry. Then all of a sudden I felt disconnected from him. I had been disconnected from him and our special place! I frantically searched for a way to get it back but I had lost it somehow. He tried yelling to me, asking me what had happened, but his words were being swallowed by the wind. I somehow managed to get back there but it wasn't the same. All the words I had spoken before, all the words I had created, were gone. Gone. And I had been winning in this battle. I knew this place better than he did anyway. I had brought him here, hadn't I? I deserved to win and I had been winning. I wasn't prepared for this. He made his last move. He laughed.

And then I finally had the chance to say, ever so eloquently: F U, EMINEM. >:O YOU CHEAT. Oh yes, I had fallen victim to it.

Happy birthday, Kristin Kreuk. I have known you for what seems like forever and I have loved you for all that time. I don't have pretty words like Alison, and I don't have a jar to keep you in, but I do love you and hope you have a good birthday. I'd also like to take this time to wish everyone a Happy New Years as well. Get as drunk as humanly possible and then drink a little bit more for me. I'll be wallowing in hot pockets if anyone needs me.

82 comments|comment on this

Disclaimer
i am homeless [15 Dec 2005|01:18am]
[ mood | tired ]

Do you know me? My name is Keri Russell. I was born in Fountain Valley, CA on March 23, 1976. You can all forget my birthday in March. I don't need to celebrate the fact that I will be 30. I lived in Texas for awhile but I probably felt the Bush vibes and had to get out. I graduated from high school in Colorado and that was when an agent found me and decided to put me on the Mickey Mouse Club (I will never get tired of this picture). I never went to college. Explains a lot, doesn't it? I thought I could dance. I thought my hair was rad. I met Tony Lucca. I thought he was the most beautiful boy I had ever met. At 17, I thought he was the greatest musician that ever lived. When he sang this song with JC on the show, he later told me that he was thinking of me the entire time, and as he ran his hand up my thigh and brushed my hair back from my face as we were sitting in his car later that afternoon, I fell in love for the first time. I knew that one day we would be married. We never did.

I was cast on Felicity. For the first time, I knew what it felt like to be apart of the kind of family that really loves you. I won a Golden Globe in 1999. I thought my hair looked rad. Tony and I weren't seeing much of each other anymore. I was always on set and he was a struggling musician. He still is. I broke it off with him because it was just getting too hard. I slept with a co-star. Not Amy Jo Johnson. I met one of my best friends. She slept with a co-star, too, but not the same one. I cut my hair and the world exploded. I liked it. My hair, not the world exploding. I took a five minute shower for the first time ever. The co-star and I ended our torrid affair. I have a feeling we were just playing out the characters on the show anyway. Felicity came to an end. I cried. A lot.

I decided ten years in the business earned me a long break. No one really noticed, but that was a good thing. I moved into a one bedroom apartment in New York. For the first time ever, I lived completely alone. I read a lot, trying to catch up on some intelligence that I had missed out on by not ever going to college. It didn't help much. My hair grew back and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. That year taught me to value my friendships above everything else. I went a year without dating. I went a year without sex. I went to a bar with my girlfriends one night and almost slept with a drunken perv out of desperation. Luckily my gag reflex stopped me. I realized then that I am a relationship kind of person. I missed Tony. I called him but when we spoke it didn't feel the same. Things change.

I started working again because J.J. Abrams has always been a good friend of mine. He convinced me to audition for Superman. They soon realized I am not as cute as Kate Bosworth. I am not as cute as Mandy Moore, either, but she didn't want a role in The Upside of Anger so I took it eagerly in order to get closer to Joan Allen. For the first time, I really appreciated the art of acting. I threw everything into work. Tony called me one night drunk and told me that whenever he played a love song, he thought of me. Some things never change. I fell in love again, but not with him. I knew that one day we would be married. We never did.

My name is still Keri Russell and I still think my hair is rad. I'm still a relationship kind of person and I still value my friendships above everything else. I don't do well in large groups, but if you get me comfortable enough one-on-one, I'll probably talk to you for hours. Sometimes I can even be funny. I want to belong, but I always like to watch before I join in. I'm not glamorous and I don't like fancy things. I'd much prefer the perfect hug over a diamond bracelet. I hate organized religion but I like to believe there is a higher power up there because it helps me sleep better at night. I try to solve everyone's problems instead of focusing on my own. I don't let on that I'm upset unless it is someone I am close to. Even then they have to push me a little. I don't cry when things get really painful, but one note hit a certain way in a song can send tears streaming down my face. I either don't think before I speak or I think too much before I speak. I can rarely ever find the happy medium in anything. There are many different versions of me. Ha, Felicity reference. For the first time, I know a little bit more about who I am. I still don't know much. Do you know me?

In conclusion, supersize it.

65 comments|comment on this

[13 Jul 2002|10:22pm]
[ mood | busy ]

Mental note to self: take some time soon to read through your friends list to catch up. Comment, often.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]